I’ll put this out there – meeting Wayne almost didn’t happen. I had tickets to see Carcass live at the Regent Theatre in LA, and I’d never seen them. I was pretty excited. My friend, Thomas Middleditch (the star of HBO’s Silicon Valley), texted me that he was going to the Kings vs. the Edmonton Oilers game that night and that he was asked to do some live TV hits during the game – rink-side and such. While Thomas loves hockey, he occasionally asks me to chime in with the deep-cut facts or an interesting stat to help spice up anything he has to do hockey-wise. I’m ALWAYS honored to help as knowing about hockey is the thing I do best.

What Thomas didn’t initially mention was that he had asked if he could do the live hits as a character of his, Tony Babcock — a purported “legendary” Canadian broadcaster who has an astonishing list of previous injuries and off-the-cuff stories with famous ex-players. So basically, he was going to be making up everything he was saying on camera, and having me along would help him keep the character grounded in “reality,” for whatever it was worth. For me — it was worth missing Carcass.  

Thomas came by to pick me up, and we tried to find a prop or two that he could have on hand for Tony Babcock.  I own two copies of Stan Fischler’s The Hockey Encyclopedia (gotta have a loaner!), so we brought one with us for Tony to have under his arm like a preacher with his Bible. We headed to Staples Center early so Thomas could go through makeup and meet with the broadcast team that I tune into on the regular. 

Once there, we were greeted by Kings’ own, Michael Altieri, who ushered Thomas and me down to the Staples Center entrance that only the players use – it was like walking through Jerry Seinfeld’s garage, except friendlier. We pushed open some doors and happened upon a couple of lean fellas playing themselves some soccer in the hallway – twas the Oilers and BABY SUPERMAN HIMSELF, CONNOR MCDAVID.  At this point, I had a dry mouth, and wet palms and was thinking exclusively in colors and shapes. We walked by the game of footie and bumped into a half-dressed Panzer tank of a man, Milan Lucic – with whom Altieri struck up a conversation (they were acquainted during Lucic’s time with the Kings).  

Altieri then led us to an elevator that went directly to a level I’d never been to – and I’ve been going to Kings games for a decade now.  It was like finding a door in your house that you had never unlocked. The elevator opened into a buffet restaurant that had more options than that GOD DAMN Jerry Seinfeld has cars. We were in a bit of a rush at this point, so we got our food and found a little table in a corner where we could talk hockey a bit and soak in the moment. The moment lasted about eight minutes before we got swooped up and placed back on our journey.  Altieri said, “Oh, I want you to meet Luc.” At the Staples Center, that means you’ve made it. You’re floating above the building. You’re probably dead. We walked across the restaurant and there was Luc Robitaille, glowing like a puck from 1996.  

Luc was very excited to meet Thomas, they talked for a second and then Luc pulled an Altieri and said, “Oh I want you to meet my friend, Wayne.”  What do you do in this moment? You know – the moment when you’re about to meet a guy standing next to Luc Robitaille – and his name is Wayne.  Luckily I was basically Thomas’ shadow; I just made sure my heart continued to beat.  “Wayne” turned around - it could have been fast, but it felt as slow as the aging of a tree.  “Wayne, this is Thomas,” said Luc. “Nice to meet you, I’m Wayne,” said THE FUCKING GREAT ONE. I didn’t check, but at that moment I’m pretty sure gravity had focused exclusively on us, keeping us firmly on the ground, as the rest of the people in the room floated in suspended air. This is where Thomas proved he’s true blue; after shaking Wayne’s hand and saying, “Hello,” he said, “This is my friend, Dave.” And using only secondary motor functions… my body lifted my hand to meet his… and together for a second… all was right and good in the world.   

Luc then proceeded to tell  WAYNE GRETZKY that Thomas was going to do a “comedy character” live on TV during the game and told him a bit about Tony Babcock. WAYNE GRETZKY looked at Thomas and just said, “Good luck.”  And that was it.  It was over. We had both just met Wayne Gretzky, number 99. Altieri led us back to the elevator and whispered, “I thought you guys would like that.”  He was goddamn right.  

By this point, we’d already seen McDavid playing soccer, Lucic had a backpack full of muscles and we’d shook the hand that facilitated more introductions of pucks to twine than anyone else ever has or will. Thomas thanked Altieri and mentioned that I was probably clinically deceased, but we continued to float along toward the media room.

We entered the media room and it was bustling – it turned out this match wasn’t your typical game between two teams well out of the playoffs; it was a Hockey Night In Canada broadcast! Upon realizing this fact, my eyes immediately snapped right to the head of Scott Oake (later that night, I would stand next to him in line for the bathroom–no big deal). We got to the dressing room where the Kings had provided Thomas with some excellent glasses and options for ties and such, but he came prepared and got dressed. He was also asked to sign some GORGEOUS trading card prints of Tony Babcock, which they’d commissioned local artist, Cuyler Smith, to produce. 

Thomas proceeded to do a live hit with the pre-game crew, which had everyone involved howling. Then we headed up to the play-by-play booth with Alex Faust and Jim Fox.  Thomas did some great Babcock’ing and we were finally led down to the ultimate location where Thomas would be displayed.  We sat at the corner glass right by where I’ve seen Mrs. Chanandler Bong, aka Matthew Perry, enjoy a game. 

They put my lucky buns in the folding chairs right by the corner glass with an accompanying monitor! I watched the game with one eye while the other was locked on Thomas as he did a bit of commentating from the glass. Then, after he had dazzled the lucky fans at home with a bit o’ Babcock, Thomas accompanied me in the folding chairs, and we enjoyed a rare 4-0 Kings victory. Had the game gone another way, I don’t know how people would have felt about having a celebrity announcer such as Tony Babcock. However, on this night – it was a delight and a half.  

Oh yeah – and we got to meet Gretzky.